Americans are engaged in a passionate love affair with our houses. Contemporary culture is obsessed with the topic of home décor and design. Cable and satellite TV broadcast home and garden advice twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. A host of perky personalities give the low-down on the how-to of projects ranging from repairing a dripping faucet to renovating the Trump Towers. Magazines fill mailboxes with picture-perfect homes that fit the financial means of anyone owning majority shares in a Fortune 500 company. It seems as if EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE is redecorating his or her home.
The home and garden craze left me behind long ago. I don’t understand the allure of renovating, painting, or changing a perfectly good home. However, let me quickly confess that I am fashion challenged. All of my taste resides in my mouth, and I possess no sense of style or flair. My eyes glaze over whenever someone mentions paint chips, cloth swatches, or wood shades. Like the majority of the masculine persuasion, I like any color as long as it is off-white.
I am not alone. Men across America stare in dull-eyed confusion while their significant others wax eloquent about pillow shams, plantation shutters, balloon valances, or distressed wood. As a public service for these poor souls, I am offering “A Man’s Guide to Decorating Terms and Other Incomprehensible Words.” My sincere prayer is that these words of guidance will save marriages across our fair land.
Paint is an important component in any home redesign. However, paint now comes in an overwhelming palette of shades and hues. When just the right tint is finally selected, one must then select “flat,” “semi-gloss,” “gloss” and “satin” finishes. These terms refer to the dullness or shine of the paint. As a general rule of thumb, ceilings are flat, walls semi-gloss, and trim work is satin. Like owning a dozen pair of brown high heels, it’s not something you have to understand as long as you can say, “Yes, dear!”
Women place great store in “accessorizing” a room. An average man is satisfied with a table, easy chair, bed, and TV. In contrast, the female of the species treasures bowls, pictures, plates, dollies, mirrors, candles, water features, wall hangings, and floor rugs. The closest male analogy is collecting fishing lures or power tools. Accessories add “punch” to a room and can be quite “whimsical.” However, accessories should never detract from the “statement” made to anyone “reading” the room.
Decorators insist that rooms possess a “focal point.” For most men, a large screen television is THE perfect focal point for ANY room. However, women set great store in “conversation pieces” that elicit admiration from female guests. The only conversation the pieces inspire in men is the question: “Where’s the TV?”
“Faux” is French for fake. However, fake is fine if it is French. “Weekend projects” last for months. “Low cost” involves an amortization schedule with a balloon payment due in seven years. “Wall hangings” are anything covering a perfectly good wall. Finally, “We’re finished” is a meaningless statement used after the latest project to placate husbands before the next project.
Oh, there IS one other phrase women use in the planning and implementation of home projects. They will occasionally turn to their male counterparts and earnestly ask, “What do YOU think?” Fortunately, no response is really required or expected to the rhetorical question.
Dr. Bill Burch is the senior minister at Sam Jones Memorial United Methodist Church in Cartersville. www.samjonesumc.org